omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
