Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I checked into jail on foursquare
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
