is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
