So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
