I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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