maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
