are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize