I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
