she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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