Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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