im six kinds of drunk right now
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
