VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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