New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
