then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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