i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
