Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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