Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
