i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
