i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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