$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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