theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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