he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
