I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
