Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
