I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She bit a glass in half.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You left your phone here
Wait...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
