I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
