ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
