I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We left the knife in your bed.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
