Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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