i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize