My liver just broke up with me...
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
