Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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