were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
