Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
