I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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