I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You're like the curious george of whores
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
