I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize