i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
