My first STD was from a foam party
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
