not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
