The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
