Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
