just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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