he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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