imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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