"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
