The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
