I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
