I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
