I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
