also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
