Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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