You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
