My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
