If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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