My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize