we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
